So.... Max is here!
It's been a bit hectic since he arrived, so sorry for not updating sooner. I went in for a routine check up Friday, April 2 (38 weeks that day) and ended up having a baby. My blood pressure was way up, so they induced me and it went relatively easily. Everything worked out as far as childcare, Danny did okay with the help of neighbors and Uncle Chris, and we're currently settling into our new lives together.
It was a bit hairy at first, since apparently my body decided to play some tricks on me. I hadn't been sleeping well for at least a month before Max was born - couldn't seem to fall asleep, couldn't seem to stay asleep, and I just chalked it up to pregnancy discomfort. But it continued once he was born, and my OB ended up putting me on Ambien in the hospital. That, along with mega doses of ibuprofin and percoset, as I had a headache that just wouldn't leave. Today is actually the first day that I haven't had to take the ibuprofin, and it's amazing how nice life is without a constant headache. I've been taking the Ambien pretty much since I left the hospital, with the exception of 2 days that I was at home and tried to see if I could sleep without it. I broke down last Tuesday and called my OB's office to ask if the headache and insomnia were normal, so they had me come in to check my blood pressure (apparently they're not), and I left with a prescription for more drugs. Along with the fears, planted by my OB, that somehow my postpartum hormones had kicked up some sort of bipolar thing. My mom has bipolar, and it is pretty much the biggest fear of my life that I end up like her, so I drove home from that appointment crying and very scared. Husband and I talked about it, though, (as much as he and I do talk about things, him not being much of a talker) and he seems to feel that I seem fine and he's not worried about me having a psychotic break anytime soon. And for the most part, emotionally, I do feel fine. Not especially sad, or anxious, or moody, just tired. I go back in tomorrow to see my OB again, so we'll see what she says.
I'm trying to do a lot of things differently this go round than I did with Danny. I'm making the effort to eat right, drink lots of water, I'm making myself take showers and take care of myself, I've started exercising again, and I make myself get out of the house. I'm also trying very hard to just take it one day at a time so that I don't get overwhelmed. The thought of taking care of two kids on my own pretty much scares the crap out of me, and when I allow myself the luxury of contemplating the possible realities of this situation, I freak out a little bit. I know that I wanted desperately to have two, but there are moments when I wonder what I was thinking. I love Max and I'm very grateful that he's here, and am very grateful that so far he's been very sleepy and accommodating and easy, but if he's even the slightest bit as difficult as Danny was in the beginning, I'm toast.
So pretty much I take it day by day. In the mornings I just have to hold it together long enough to take Danny to school. Then I just have to get through the day until it's time to pick Danny up. Then I just have to get through until he goes to bed. And then until I go to bed.
Tonight will be the first night that Husband hasn't been home, but so far the Ambien hasn't done anything to keep me from waking up when I need to. It helps me fall asleep and that's about it. I actually wake up on my own for the night feedings - I think my sense are super alert for the slightest whimper (Max has this whimper he does - kind of like a "5 minute warning" before he starts yelling that he's hungry) and I end up waking up before him.
But what a horrible thought. I feel very guilty to even think it when I wanted so much to have another child, and was so incredibly blessed to have this miracle happen. But it was so easy with just one...