121 bpm

Well, that was pretty much one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard. It's been roughly 2 1/2 years since I heard that glorious sound coming from within me, and it's just as nice now as then.

Husband and I arrived separately this morning (he came from work) and sat quietly on the couch as we waited. Mercifully he hasn't thrown anything at my head in the past 2 weeks (and I haven't thrown anything at his) as I've grown progressively irritable and evil, I suppose from anxiety. I remember being this evil at this stage in my pregnancy with Danny and it hasn't gotten any better. It's taken all the willpower I have to bite my tongue repeatedly at all the perceived wrongs and slights experienced lately, to remind myself that I'm merely a wee bit cranky and that maybe the other person doesn't deserve to die. Even Husband's breathing lately has bothered me.

He still sucks a lot of the time but is much better in a lot of ways. Stirrups, for example. I think childbirth robbed him of his last bits of fear of them as he had no problems being in the same room as me in them (versus ultrasound #1 with Danny where he sat in a chair far far far away - practically in the next room). Both he and the RE saw the little peanut before me but we all heard it at the same time. RE said "and that's a good strong heartbeat!" and it went from there. And I cried a little bit.

With RE #1 with Danny, he noted the heartbeat, pointed out the blob that was Danny, fiddled with the machine a little bit and that was it. Today we looked at the blob, tracked the heartbeat, looked at the placenta, the lining, the yolk sak, the blood flow of something, and probably a few more things. Mostly I was looking at the ultrasound screen and crying. Husband, with his usual unflappability, almost even smiled.

After I was allowed to disconnect from the ultrasound machine, we all convened in RE's office. Reviewed the plan and his findings. Discussed probabilities and my lab results so far. Basically my lab work looks great, the peanut and his room look great, and the only teeny tiny imperfection so far is that the placenta is measuring 2 or 3 days behind the peanut, but RE says he's not concerned about that at all. Of course, now that he mentions is, I'm concerned about it, but not too much. He says it's only a problem if the peanut continues to grow and the placenta doesn't, which would be bad. But with the protocol that I'm on right now, and how good things look inside, he basically thinks chances of this being a successful pregnancy are in the 90+%. Essentially if the baby doesn't survive, it's because of a genetic or chromosomal abnormality. And he said that babies on his protocol with this issue usually make it a bit longer than those not on it, but that Nature ends up taking care of them either way, which is a blessing.

Husband and I spoke briefly after the appointment, before we went our separate ways. We agreed. It just doesn't feel real yet. It doesn't feel real at all, actually.

I was settling into my role as the bitter barren.

I don't understand how I even had an inkling that I was going to ovulate. I don't understand how I took a few random inocuous symptoms and took the leap to taking a pregnancy test. It's not like I believed I was actually going to ovulate. I'm not even sure the OPK was positive, since I've never even seen a positive one (of my own). It's not like we timed intercourse. He just happened to be home and feeling friendly. I didn't limit exercise and even went running Saturday and Sunday in the 95 degree weather right before I got the first positive pregnancy test.

I've got this tiny living being inside of me, with a teeny tiny heart beat and a teeny tiny body and apparently a really big spirit. This little being apparently really wanted to be created and has worked his way inside my broken and barren body and it's just amazing.

So anyway, I go back next week for another ultrasound and more bloodwork to see how things are going.

****

Just as I was clicking "publish" Husband called. He says that the peanut looked like a boy to him. Considering that all we saw was a teeny tiny little blob and a pulsating little dot of a heart, I'm quite impressed with Husband's ability to discern the genitalia.