sanity, where did you go?

Wow. So I, um, had forgotten how stressful the second 2ww was. So far I've had an anxiety attack over exercising, spent way too much time on the IVF connections boards reading about people with promising betas and no heartbeat at 6 weeks, and I currently have popsicle frostbite on my fingers from my current popsicle kick.

RE had told us on Monday that I was to be a "lady of leisure" when Husband asked about me exercising (the man knows me so well). No, no running. No, no weights. No, not even the recumbent bike while watching bad TV. Nothing. Nada. "Lady of leisure" you shall be. His philosophy is that I am high risk, that all ladies who have been through infertility should be considered high risk, and that in his eyes my chemical was a miscarriage, and a high risk pregnant lady with a history of rather serious pregnancy complications, premature birth and miscarriage should not be doing anything strenuous.

Intellectually I don't understand this, as I was most certainly running leading up to the pregnancy, ran in the 95 degree heat the day of probable conception and in the 2ww, and I don't understand how something good for my body can be bad for the baby.

But a friend whose brother is an OB/GYN convinced me that perhaps I should listen to the wise RE, and since then I've been worried that exercising anyway (before she got a chance to make her pitch about not exercising - "would you rather be fit or have this baby?") has killed the baby. All I did was squats and pushups and some ab work, and nothing too strenuous since it was, after all, 6 am and I wasn't entirely awake or incredibly motivated.

I've also vaccilated between trying to decide if I should feel optimistic or pessimistic about the baby. If I'm optimistic, I'm jinxing myself by being overconfident. If I'm pessimistic, I'm not believing in the little bean and it'll die out of spite.

And then today for some crazy reason, I was online reading posts about people with perfectly normal betas that suddenly stopped doubling, or that ended up miscarrying or being molar pregnancies.

I would like to think that for as much medicine as I'm on, RE is going to be able to correct for whatever issues I have that might lead to the baby dying, but you know, apparently I have a lot of issues that have prevented me getting pregnant on my own so far, so it's kinda silly to think that they've all gone away and that I'm free and clear.

Yes, obviously I have a beta coming up tomorrow morning. Bright and early tomorrow morning, as I have a work training to attend all day tomorrow, and I'll have to leave in the morning around 6'ish. (ew) Hopefully all will go well, but this is a really really really long wait, this wait until the 24th and the first ultrasound.