urgh

So I decided yesterday that being pregnant is remarkably similar to being 2 years old. It's all about peeing on the potty and being able to take naps. The great majority of my time is either engaging in one or thinking about when I can.

***********

Other than that, things are fine. Christmas was good, the baby continues to do well, and I'm thinking I need to go into therapy just so that I can bitch full time about my family and maybe one day reach a point where they don't upset me anymore. About two months ago I emailed my dad. I'd been thinking about it for quite a while, composing and rewriting the email endlessly in my head until I finally just sat down and spit it out. Nothing bad, just asking for clarification. I'd had no contact from him since his terse reply to my wedding invitation in 2005, which consisted of him checking "no" on the RSVP card and writing something to the effect of "have a nice life." This seemed pretty clear, so I didn't contact him again, didn't let him know he was going to be a grandfather, etc. When my mom came to visit Danny for the first time, he essentially stalked her until she gave him some pictures of Danny. Wanting him to leave her alone, I contacted him, sent him some pictures and let him know that he was welcome to see him, etc. We visited that Christmas, and a year later he responded to my in-laws' invitation to come over for Christmas and that's all that I've seen him since 2002. He and my stepmother are retired, wealthy, and live 4 hours away, but they've never bothered to visit despite repeated invitations. My dad finally admitted via email that they had no intentions of coming to visit. They've turned down invitations to attend Danny's birthday parties (held in the same city where they live - they and the in-laws live in the same town). All of this following a seemingly heartfelt sentiment expressed that first Christmas where my dad said that he wanted to be part of Danny's life.

So I emailed asking for clarification. You don't want to visit, all you're interested in is us bringing Danny to you. You're seemingly content with seeing pictures of your grandson and the occasional emails to his mom. You send Christmas and birthday presents. What's the deal? What exactly did you mean when you said you wanted to be part of his life? I didn't say this, but I have no interest in bringing him to see his grandfather when his grandfather can't make the slightest effort to leave his palace to cross town and see him. We prefer to spend time with relatives who seem to care. Please clarify what you want out of a relationship.

As expected, this email was met with silence. Despite the fact that all of the above was expressed very nonconfrontationally, very politely.

He responded to my "happy Thanksgiving" email with a "happy Thanksgiving" in return and that's been it. This year we didn't even merit a Christmas card, and Danny got nothing from him. Not that Danny would notice. He has no idea that he has another grandfather.

But I'm pissed. Infuriated. The silent treatment just makes me want to lash out and kick and scream and ask what's wrong with him. He clearly wants to hang on to the imagined hurts that I inflicted upon him twenty-some years ago and would prefer to miss out on knowing his grandson(s) versus have to interact with their mother. He's a petty petty petty man and it's no loss to Danny but yet again, I stupidly got my hopes up that he was capable of being a grownup, being a good person, being a grandfather. Being a better grandfather than he's been a father.

Then there's my brother. Who hasn't spoken or communicated with me in years. For reasons I still don't understand. Apparently I've wronged him at some point too. The best I can come up with on that one, based on irate emails received over the years, was that he's pissed he didn't get a wedding invitation sooner (um, he got one when everyone got one, and I didn't bother to track him down earlier because I didn't think he would come - after all, he hadn't spoken to me in years), and some imagined comment that I supposedly made 15 years ago about not wanting to be part of our family. It's almost scary how he and my dad have rewritten history. When my dad met Husband for the first time, he regaled him with anecdotes from my childhood. That were actually anecdotes of things our next door neighbor did. I was the uber-responsible child, the popular one, the cheerleader, the one that was in the top of her class, Who's Who of American High School Students, etc. I was the one that he sobbed to about hospitalizing my mother for the hundredth time for her drinking. But anyway. Brother is in the same fantasy world as my dad. I'm not mad at how he's treated me (well, not that mad anymore). But when I talked to my mom yesterday to see how her Christmas was, I asked about my brother. Yes, he had called her while on his way to my dad's house. Flying across the country to visit his dad. And I could hear the sadness in my mom's voice. She admitted that she has asked my brother several times if he would ever be coming back East for a visit and he'd always said no, he wasn't planning on visiting the East coast ever again. But he unapologetically told her that he'd be flying to visit his dad (who lives 5 hours from my mom). It was pretty pitiful. My mom said, "I just miss my son." She hasn't seen him in a decade.

They're both just assholes. It's one thing to be an asshole to me. But being an asshole to my mom is just wrong. Yes she's got issues and is difficult to be around (she inspires huge guilt/pity in me) but she doesn't deserve this from them. Her last contact with my dad was him telling her that he didn't ever want to hear from her again (she'd asked if he could increase her alimony - she's mentally ill and can only work minimally). And her only surviving son makes it clear that he doesn't want to see her.

And he doesn't know them, so they can't hurt his feelings, but they're being just as vindictive to my son. My mother in law preaches persistence and compassion and encourages me to keep contacting them, to keep the doors open, but I just don't think I can be that nice. I just want to physically hurt them.